Ten things Nintendo should have said instead of "Sorry about E3"

Since E3 let out over a month ago, top Nintendo executives have come out of the woodwork to either somewhat or blatantly apologize for their part in the show.

Gamers that know about this also know that their excuses are pretty sub-par and typical. Sure, we can understand that some great games are on their way, but Nintendo did nothing more than destroy their credibility, or what was left of it, as a true gamer-serving company.

So really, they can say anything they want to try making up for it, even if it won't work for some of us. Here are some of the things they may as well say:

1. - We were pretty drunk, guys. Iwata passed out on the futon after a mighty long 500 rounds of cow racing (man we fucking LOVE cow racing). Did you know you guys get a free Wii Remote with that? Seriously, that’s fan-TASTIC.
2. - Look, last time we checked, lots of crazy booth babes that like casual games come to E3. And when we looked into the crowd, we realized that crowd-surfing with balance boards wouldn’t exactly work this time. Late the party pretty much sums it up.
   
3. - Seriously? And you guys aren’t irate about Microsoft just copying us left and right? Go ask them who pwns the console market now? That’s right, THESE guys (with thumbs pointing towards them).
4. - We just WEREN’T prepared. How can we fill time like that when we take so long to develop games? Don’t get us wrong, we’re making some kick-ass titles that you just have to wait for. Grumble all you fucking want. You know that when we shit, we shit GOLD. In the meantime, we will fill our time slot with better things than showing you our incomplete games. We’ll show you graphs and talk about our philosophies.
5. - Look we’re sorry, but it’s E3, not a fucking godsend to video games. It’s nothing like it used to be, and we’ll announce our games when we fucking want to. Don’t be tethered like the rest of the “your dumb”-asses out there.
6. - You guys weren't happy? We're working to make an affordable gyroscope add-on and you're taking the time to bitch about how we should have done that to begin with? Fuck it, we're SO over. I want my Starter jacket back, asshole.
7. - Hello? Hello? Can you hear us? Yeah, we're talking over Wii Speak and - - hey, shut up guys, they can't hear me if the rest of the room is talking! Hello? Yeah, sorry about that, Ted can be a bit - - dude, dude, SILENCE YOUR PHONE!
8. - We're sorry. Really. We're sorry for the Gamecube. We're sorry for not even announcing some fun Virtual Console games like an online Goldeneye. We're sorry that we rely too much on third-party support when we create hardware that supports shovelware. We're sorry that we take every second possible to show you, in powerpoint fashion, that we're number one. We're sorry that we haven't taken our innovative system and done enough truly innovative things with it. We're sorry that we don't value the things you do, like high definition graphics. We'll make it up to you. You know we're good for it, right?
9. - Gotcha! ...No, really, we fucked up.
10. - Yeah, yeah, you want changes, right? Send your wishlists to Reggie. If it makes you feel better, here's a clue at what you can look forward to: we're going to add waggle ability to the console itself. Then you dance with the remote AND the Wii in hand! Oh, and we're dropping the warranty. It prints money!